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| Moving.... |
| 11.14.05 (4:48 am) [edit] |
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You can find me at
onilyn. blogspot. com
Thanks.
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| Accountability |
| 11.07.05 (6:47 pm) [edit] |
The secret to success is accountability, well it is in my world. I set a goal to write 2000 words by today. Specifically on Heir Apparent. I have changed novels and am working on GTF. My goal remained the same.
Goal for 11/7/2005 = 2,000 words
Actual = 1,850 words.
Goal for 11/14/2005 = 3,150 words for a total of 5,000 words.
And all on GTF. Which means I should be writing and not blogging. NIght all.
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| Weekender |
| 11.07.05 (6:31 pm) [edit] |
This past weekend, I did something I've needed to do since the 3rd of August. I escaped. This was the weekend of the Love Designer's Autumn Authors Affair in Chicago (http://www.rendezvousreviews....). I went down there with several friends of mine. We left early Friday afternoon and arrived at dinner time. After getting settle in our room, we registered and then met up with several friends that we hadn't seen in a year. We had dinner and then played trivia. Our team was the Awesomest Awesomes. We placed third out of five. We had to endure movie clips of exquiste heroes with excellent lines and abs amongst several other categories. It was a lot of fun. We went back up to the room, three of us pulled out our laptops and headphones, and did some writing. My one friend went to bed. And I did some writing. First on my futuristic series and then I went to work on my contemporary paranormal. Saturday morning started early with breakfast followed by registration, and then the opening speeches. Workshops started shortly after that. I went to a plotting workshop followed by one on character archtypes and then one on making your characters suffer is good. And then we went to lunch and sat with more friends and then skipped the luncheon keynote and Q&A to go upstairs and write. I went to a two hour workshop on characterization. Being a pantzer myself, most of what I learned I can adjust to my writing style with absolutely no problem. Others will require a little bit of work. After workshops we went to the bookstore were we all got books and promo materials. And then to dinner. After dinner, we brought our laptops down to the common room, sang filk songs about writers, editors, and urinary tragedies, while we were writing. And then we sang songs from Buffy the Vampire Slayer's musical episode. It was well after 1:00 am before we went to bed. We left after breakfast on Sunday and got home early in the evening. My DD spent the weekend at my mom's and had a wonderful time. And my mom who gets pissy about anything I do, basically was thrilled that I was home, I had a good time, and that I got to relax.
It was weird being in a hotel again. The last time was when my dad died. And a lot of things did remind me of him and that he was gone, but I did put them off to the side, knowing that I would need to get back to them, but enjoying the fact that for one weekend I got to be carefree. I hung out with writers who understand what you mean when you say the voices are all gone and how scary that feels (100 times worse than writer's block). And you don't have to use an analogy to help them understand. They also understand the why of how it happened and I found out that eventually those rifts would heal. I can write again. I can write again. I have ideas for characters. I know where I'm going with stories I was already working on, allbeit not the ones I was writing at the time, namely EK and DR. But I am writing. And I think that in small doses until I'm okay and then they'll bombard me.
I did however pick up two pins -- one says "I hate it when my voices argue with your imaginary friends" and the other says "Of course I can't take a joke, that's why I'm single" which probably sounds worse than it is. But there you go. I absolutely will not apologize for leaving my friends and family to fend for themselves for one weekend nor will I apologize for not dwelling on the fact that I have no social life or that I am still single. Because really, I'm not sorry, and I don't have time.
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| Nanowrimo |
| 11.02.05 (4:00 am) [edit] |
This month is National Novel Writing Month, Nanowrimo (www.nanowrimo.org), at least it is according to author Chris Baty and the thousands of us who participate in this every year. The idea is to write 50,000 words in one month on one project, say a book or movie script. No problem you say. Yeah, but this is in addition to the hariness of your life already. So you are writing in addition to working, being a parent, and preparing for the onslaught of the holidays. And I'm participating again this year. I'm hoping to beat last years personal record which was about 2,000 words. I didn't do so well last year. I'll keep a weekly tally going, a goal for this week and how I did last week. I'm working on Heir Apparent, the first in a new series. And while this isn't a movie script, it's still writing, and that is what I do.
So this month's goal is 50,000 words.
This week's goal (Monday to Monday) is 2,000.
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| Irony |
| 10.29.05 (9:05 pm) [edit] |
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Two months ago my dad died. About a week ago his fiancee had a quadruple bypass. My uncle (my dad's brother) came into town this morning and she invited herself along. Well, she was talking, complaining really. She now has to change her diet and she can no longer drink her coffee and her mountain dew and can't add lots of salt to her food, and she's always tired and doesn't want to do anything. My grandmother said that now she could appreciate what my dad went through. She said always appreciated what he was going through, but now she really appreciated it. I told her no, now she understood. Which I think took everyone back. Because really, how appreciative or understanding are you if you are always nagging a person to do things they can't and in front of them, you intentionally eat things they can't and add salt, alot of it, to your food. Really. The irony is that she understands too late, what a lot of us already knew.
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| Elven Goals |
| 10.21.05 (2:31 pm) [edit] |
It’s amazing what happens when your world is turned upside down. It’s nearly two months since my dad died and three since he went into the hospital, and I’m still trying to turn everything right side up, or at least horizontally. I’ll settle for that.
I did a lot of stitching while my dad was in the hospital. I finished Liberty and Justice by Oberlin Samplers. I finished The Lord’s Prayer. And I started and finished The Scottish Piper. I did join two different Round Robins -- A Halloween one and a JCS (Just Cross Stitch) Retro one. I choose one with a dragon and a pumpkin, that I think is called Mine!, but I can’t remember the designer, I think it was something like Lil’ Treasures. But they aren’t around anymore. And then I chose Winter Scene from JCS Dec. 1997. They both started at the end of September and I’ve completed one from each. Southwest Santa (JCS 2001) and Checkerboard Pumpkin (Waxing Moon). And I’m about half done with Futurecast. And aside from that I’ve begin my Book of Wonder, which is basically a scrapbook about my books, specifically the characters, backstory, and setting. Its more for inspiration than anything else.
1. Lose 100-110 lbs. – With my new class schedule combined with everything else, this was pushed to the back burner. But I think I’m almost ready to start at least working out again. It will probably help with the tension.
2. Finish EK – I nearly finished Chapter 11, and then I didn’t write at all in August, but I did back it up. Which was good, because my Zip disc toasted itself.
3. Finish DR – It’s backed up, which is good, because of a self-toasting zip disc.
4. Find an agent – Still on four rejections from agents. Might be five. But I’m going to wait until the New Year now. The next proposals I send out will be to editors with the full intentions of the series, if and where applicable.
5. Sell a mss – I’m still working on it. And still scrapbooking them.
6. Start Gateway – It’s got a basic beginning outline. But then so does RH, which also has the first book with a skeleton.
7. Start/finish W. Quilt #1 --- Nope, haven’t gotten any further one it.
8. Start & finish W. Announcement #1 – Nope, haven’t gotten any further one it. But I know which I’m going to do.
9. Start & finish W. Announcement #2 – This isn’t needed anymore.
10. Start & finish W. Announcement #3– Nope, this one isn’t needed either.
11. Finish TW's Storyteller – I haven’t touched it since July, but I’ve got pictures coming. Still.
12. Finish scrap Split Rail Fence quilt for mom. – Still working on it. But am wondering what I was thinking.
13. Finish Dutchman's Puzzle quilt for dad. – It’s cut out, and put away. Because I don’t know if I can actually finish it at this point in time. Maybe next year. And I wouldn’t know who to give it to anyway.
14. Finish my Dragon quilt. – Didn’t touch it all summer.
15. Complete cross-stitch gift for DD teacher. (She picked out a design with the teachers name on it and the words "teaching is like touching the future") – Since it didn’t get done for any of her previous teachers, I’m hoping it’ll get done for this one. We’ll see. It’s not kitted or started yet.
16. Finish DD Birth announcement – Didn’t touch it. Worked on Liberty and Justice instead.
17. Finish DNiece #1 Birth announcement - Didn’t touch it. Worked on Liberty and Justice instead. But I have the design chosen.
18. Finish DNiece #2 Birth announcement - Didn’t touch it. Worked on Liberty and Justice instead. But I have the design chosen.
19. Decide if DSis will get 1 birth announcement for all of her kids or 1 for each. (Not sure of her reception to homemade things.) – After talking with my mom, I may make just one design with all of the names on it. If I do anything. She’s not real big on homemade things. Especially when Tommy Hilfiger and Nike is more expensive.
20. Design and make costume for ball in 2006 – The Costume Ball has been postponed until March 2007.
21. Design and make 2 Halloween costumes for 2005 – I chose mine. I’m making a dark blue gown with ribbon on the sleeves. DD wants to be a princess. So it looks like I’m making a pink princess costume.
22. Send out four proposals to either editors or agents. – Happy Dance. All done. Chocolate to follow because I was rejected by all four. I’ll submit to an editor as soon as EK is done and hopefully DR will be done by then too.
23. Finish "The Lord's Prayer" (3/4 way done) – Happy Dance!!! All Done!!!!!! I did a lot of Cross Stitching while my dad was in the hospital.
24. Get the cross done on TW's Celtic Cross. – Um……winter maybe.
25. Pick out background fabric for Stretch, Futurecast, and Tempest. -- I haven’t picked out anything for Stretch and Tempest, but I’ve got the fabric and colors for Futurecast and have started on it already.
26. Clean, organize, and declutter my bedroom – In work. Still. But I did my kitchen done. Spices included.
27. Clean, organize, and declutter the utility room -- In work. Still.
28. Clean, organize, and declutter the garage -- In work. Still. Maybe next spring?
29. Blog more – I was making good head way for a long time. It’ll come back.
30. Write Daily – With everything that happened since August, the writing I did do wasn’t on a project but in a journal. Trying to keep track of my feelings and deal with what was going on.
31. Participate in NANOWRIMO – Only 10 days until NANOWRIMO. I’m still planning on participating. I’m looking at a new futuristic. I get to blow a lot of stuff up. It’ll be fun. Or I won’t write at all.
32. Stay on top of schoolwork – So far, so good.
33. Dean's list/4.0 this semester – I made the Deans list this summer even though I didn’t attend the last two weeks of school. All of my assignments got turned in and I took my tests. End the summer with 2 A’s and 2 B’s. Not bad.
34. Rejoin FF&P – Maybe in November
35. Enter FF&P OOTW contest – Missed it.
36. Enter RWA's Golden Heart – I don’t have anything ready to submit, so I’ll have to be content for next year. Oh well.
37. Read the Bible – I misplaced it somewhere, so I need to get another one.
38. Stay on top of my finances – Really I think this should be a life long goal. I think I’ll be constantly working on this one. Enough said.
39. Get a head start on Christmas sewing and shopping – I’m almost done now. I’ve been doing a little at a time. But now, with my dad gone, everything is changed. And I don’t HAVE to buy his fiancée anything. (which she required. Ugh).
40. Read two books a month from my reading list (one has to be a classic) – The last book I read was With A Vengeance by Eilleen Dreyer. Preceded by Survivor in Death by JD Robb. I’ve readings out of Classical Greek and Roman Lit. I wonder if I can count that.
41. Give up pop. – I don’t know that this will happen. But it would be nice if I could.
42. Binder Park Zoo w/ DD and DBro and his family – We didn’t get to go. We were going to take the kids in August, but that didn’t work out at all. But we did go to the Pumpkin Patch and did the hayride, pumpkin picking, mazes, and homemade doughnuts and apple cider. Tons of fun was had by all. Especially the kids.
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| Games and Trips |
| 10.21.05 (1:30 pm) [edit] |
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So, my friend writes in her blog about Sudoku, and finally my curiousity gets the better of me and I go check it out. Oops. Big mistake! Because now, I'm hooked. So much for homework. :) And then I decided, because its Friday and I really don't want to study bones tonight, that I'd price compare for the graduation trip my DD and I are going on in May. Mind you I didn't try real hard. The airlines at expedia with inflexible dates, because I can't leave before graduation, are pricing 2 tickets for 513.00 starting. Roundtrip from here to there. Amtrak offers 2 roundtrip for about 444.00 before discounts. I thought about getting a sleeper car which is an extra 400.00 dollars each way, and decided against it because the train has a lounge car and a dining car. So even though it is a 35 hour trip, we'll have coach seats and our blankets. It'll be a blast. Now just a matter of confirming the dates with my friends. :) I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!
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| Example |
| 10.16.05 (8:47 pm) [edit] |
I mentioned previously that all the voices in my head, my characters and stories were silent....I finally figured out how explain the strangeness of how I feel.
Imagine that you are a human who loves the fast pace city life and you are suddenly thrust into a world where Faeries, Elves, Dragons, Unicorns, and Pegasus' are real and life is very much a slow pace where nothing is familar. Or you are contemporary city slicker complete with picture-taking cellphone and wireless laptop and you are forced to live in the country where the streets roll up at 5 and there are only 2 stores - the garage/gas station and the general store/post office/grocery store and cellphones and wireless internet are still 5 years away. Or the opposite you are from a small sleepy country town and have been sent, not by choice, to live in New York City, San Fransisco, or Chicago. Or that you are a scientist and have been transported to a time and place where magic is real and science is laughed at. That is about how I feel. Foreign. Trapped. LIke an Elf trapped in a human world or a human trapped unwillingly in an Elven world. Scary and unknown. And very far from home.
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| Inane Ramblings.... |
| 10.16.05 (8:30 pm) [edit] |
Well not really inane... but you never know...
I feel like my head is about to explode. I'm sick with a cold because I ran myself down. Hmmm... big surprise there. I don't sleep real well and I eat for nothing. So I'm not really surprised, but that isn't why my head feels like it's going to explode. There is so much going on, I don't know where to begin. I feel like I'm on merry-go-round that is spinning out of control with no way off.
I can't write, the voices are gone. I see glimpses of them from far away now. Almost as though, they are trying to give me some privacy or room to deal with everything. But I miss it and them, and I really want that part of my life back. Badly. Now in fact. Patience, I don't have. Anymore.
I have been tasked with helping my grandma cope along my dd. Then there is my DD who was diagnosed with Premature Thelarche, not life threatening but definitely changing. She has to go see a dermatologist to determine why she is losing her hair and it's turing white. She's also been put on Ditropan because of her bladder problems.
Barb, my dad's fiancee -- former, ex, unwanted...whatever... has been working on my grandma to sign over the burial plot my grandma bought for my mom which is next to my brother, while she has a family plot bought by for her by her family. She went into the hospital on Sunday saying that she had a heart attack. Personally, I thought she was having an anxiety attack and faking the whole thing. The docs say she had a mild/slight heart attack. Which resulted in a Quadruple Bypass on Tuesday, I think it was anyway. I can honestly say, that I don't feel anything. Not regret, not sorrow, not joy...nothing. That worries me. Because it doesn't apply to just her, but everything. I don't even know how I'm supposed to be feeling. I'm supposed to be able to help my DD get thru this, but how can I when I'm not sure how I'm doing.
There are issues with my brother and his family that concern everyone. It's hard. Between all of this plus school, it's just too much. I don't feel like I can give anything up, because I gave my word. And since it's all about me today, my mom is being her usual negetive and critizing self, but now I don't have my dad as a buffer. I know she is worried about me, but there is only so much a person can take.
I know part of my problems is that since my car has died I don't always have a way to get done what I need to. And my roommate is carless also, so that adds to the tensions here. Fall has set in, really set in, and I have yet to walk through the woods. I'm tied to the darn city with no way to rebalance myself. I feel like I've got a duty to stay in contact with or see certain people and I don't necessarily want to. And then there is the inevitable shifting of burdens, them wanting me to take theirs when not only do I not want to, but I can't. I feel like Atlas about to collapse. And what sucks is that I end up taking the responsibility. Because whether I like it or not, nine times out of ten if I don't it'll go to h*** in a hand basket at warp speed. Why should I care? I don't want to. I'm tired. I really do want to give up more often than not. I can feel the meltdown coming and I have no way to stop it, and really anymore, I'm not sure that I want to. But I also know me well enough to know that I'll pick up my burdens and those around me and carry them and I won't share and I'll care even though I feel nothing. And I'll make sure everything goes the way its supposed to go that is within my power to do so. Becuase that is the type of person I am. And regardless of how I feel, I will do it. And I'll succeed. And I'll long for solitude and peace. And I'll long for companionship with my soulmate, the one God gives me and only me, and I'll not get it, and I'll go on. Because that is who I am. Lonely, sad, tired, numb. And I'll still try to do for everyone else, not because I have to, but because it really is who I am. And any other way is foreign to me.
I try to avoid converstations that deal with religion, mostly because of my previous experiences and my extreme displeasure with being preached at by people who think they are better than me. I know also, that my views cause several of my friends to be angry and upset and probably ask God to save my soul, because they find it hard to believe that I can actually have faith and not only not set foot in a church but dispise being preached at. I want to say I'm sorry that I've hurt their feelings, but I'm not really. Church all the time works for them, but it doesn't for me. I'm not the traditional person that met the man of my dreams and is content to be told how to believe. I'm not and that statement will piss off the rest of my friends, my entire family, and my city, but screw that. The doctorine of 99% of those churches aren't accepting of me and that's fine. It works for a lot of people and that's fine too, maybe they need the extra guidance or maybe they believe it will give them the discipline they need to follow God's word or maybe they just want everyone to think they believe and therefore that'll make them believe. But that is a common practice among ALL religions. There is always at least one person who doesn't truly believe, but they go for show, they want everyone to think they believe to outdo their fellow practiioners religiously. But that really isn't here nor there either. I'm sure God and His/Her infinite wisdom has a really good reason for this bought of crap, but the why escapes me totally right now. Go figure.
My head hurts, it feels puffy and achy and I've got school tomorrow. A lecture test in Anatomy on Thursday, which I have yet to study for. Western Civ, with readings by Plato, and Algebra tomorrow.
My mom suggested that she, Marla, my one Aunt, and I go to Frankenmuth, Bronners, and Birchrun this November. I can't wait. I try to go at least once a year. My DD needs a new coat and I have to get ornaments again this year. And next year I'll probably need a second tree. Oh darn. I told my family that my graduation gift to my DD and I this May was a train trip out to Salt Lake City to visit a good friend of mine. They were all happy about that. They'll be less happy about me going to either CATS or the TWBB World Wide GTG and Nationals in Atlanta, but oh well. I'm done sacrificing that much for everyone else.
Although, they'll no doubt be upset by the fact that I've decided to not buy a house, to buy a KIA, probably a Spectra 'cuz they look cool, and that more than likely, I'll move away to school, with DD in tow. Because leaving her with my mom, which is her suggestion, would add more stress, not lessen it. And besides, I should raise, not anyone else. I do have to get a Will and custody established ASAP. Oh, well. I know that when I start writing again, I'll sell what I'm working on and it'll be fantastic and so that when I graduate with my BSN I can take my DD to either Disney World or Ireland. Granted, Ireland is more for me than her, but I've never been to Disney World either, so either or will do. Both will happen eventually. Of that I have no doubt.
Maybe tomorrow I'll post a weekend update and a goals update. Depends on how froggy I feel.
I know that rebalancing myself will go a long way.
I did see an interesting bumper sticker today ... "I believe in Dragons, Good Men, and other fantasty creatures"... I laughed myself silly... but really, if you believe Dragons exsist, then you know that good men exsist too. Although they maybe rarer than Dragons. Certainly rarer than Elves. :) Actually, I've met some nice men, usually after I've met their wives. :). I tried the Internet dating thing...and well that is just plain scary. Requirements like no children and keg stands are tossed in there more often than not. Which is interesting since I have a child and want at least a dozen more. And I drink as much as a friend of mine does. She, for religious/spiritual reasons, doesn't drink at all. Me, I hate the taste. And now, its time for me to go to bed. Dawn is going to come awfully early this morning.
Elves are cool.
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| Meme-ity Fun |
| 09.30.05 (3:26 am) [edit] |
Meme-ity fun
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
This is what I found....since I can't get into my 2003 Archives... this is from March 23, 2004..
Saturday was a business meeting and that night I saw Guys and Dolls and met a bunch of actors that we can use.
--It was bascially a weekend recount, and talking about a group of excellent actors that we could use in the film, and that we actually did end up using.
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| Passing Thought |
| 09.30.05 (3:07 am) [edit] |
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My friend Stasha mentioned in her blog, http://shondratasha.blogspot.... that she couldn't deny her faith in God and it reminded me of a conversation I had with another friend last night, while trying to explain why I couldn't work this weekend. My world went poof again. Three days ago my step-dad walked into work and told everyone f-off. And this from a man with a very strong work ethic. Now my mom is facing lay-off's, which are not because my step-dad quit. And last night my DD had a major meltdown. To which I found out, that this is her third meltdown, not the first. My roommate didn't want to worry or upset me about the others, because apparently, my DD was convinced that I was dead. She doesn't want Poppy (my dad) dead, she wants him back now, its just not good. Add to that I have school committments on top of school that were made and for which there is no gracious way out, not that I'd take it even if there were. And I still can't write. NOt creatively, not the way I have always been able too. I have characters and half finished stories wandering around aimlessly and too which I don't know if I will ever be able to finish. Poof. The conversation in question dealt with God, because of a recent event where I came within inches of the front end of a car dotted with Christian stickers. The fact is, even with my world caving in again, digging a hole so deep I can't see the sky, I can't deny my own faith in God, no matter how unconventional it seems to everyone else.
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| Dictionary Definitions |
| 09.30.05 (2:51 am) [edit] |
Today’s Word: HypoChristians
The word HypoChristian is taken from two separate words - Hypocrite and Christian. The online Websters dictionary (www.m-w.com) lists the definition for Hypocrite as a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion and the definition of Christian as one who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ b (1) : DISCIPLE 2 (2) : a member of one of the Churches of Christ separating from the Disciples of Christ in 1906 (3) : a member of the Christian denomination having part in the union of the United Church of Christ concluded in 1961. Therefore a HypoChristian is a person who preaches the Bible but doesn’t follow it. Right? Right.
They aren’t just the ones who go to church at every opportunity and then go home and beat their kids or spouses. Nope. That would be too easy. They are also the ones with the Jesus Saves bumper stickers and the local Christian radio station sticker pasted to the windows and blaring from the windows of their cars and then try to run the pedestrian down because even though you have the walk sign you are holding them up and therefore you shouldn’t be on the road. They are also the ones who condemn (along with scold and point-fingers) at anyone who is divorced (usually for reasons other than adultery, but some aren’t specific, just divorced is enough), doesn’t go to church (specifically their church), has a tattoo, thinks men and women are equal, or uses their brains to go ”but that isn’t in the Bible, that is specific to your religion” or argues that spirituality/faith and religion aren’t the same thing.
HypoChristians will say things like “homosexuality is wrong and is condemned by God” and then will say “wow, I would really like to see my wife get it on with that woman”. Or that a marriage presided over by a Justice of the Peace isn’t a real wedding and will not be honored by God, and then turn around and demand that the State recognizes common law marriage so that they can get marriage benefits. And that living together without the covenant of marriage is okay as long as there is no sex, regardless of the fact that both parties sleep in the same bed.
What I find interesting is that the rudest people I come across aren’t Heathens, Pagans, or Wiccans, they are usually Christians, or more appropriately, HypoChristians.
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| Silence |
| 09.27.05 (5:13 am) [edit] |
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Silence -- you would think that with how chaotic everything has been in my life, I would welcome the silence and solitude. From people, mostly yes. But this silence is different. It's worse than writer's block. It is the complete absence of ideas, characters, settings, stories, and plots. There are no more voices of stubborn alpha males and alpha females demanding to be written. For the first time in my life, I am without the comfort of my creativity. It is dead. Gone. And I do not know when or if it will come back. It isn't a relief, it isn't helping me to cope with the loss of my dad. It is yet another struggle and problem. How do I cope in a world so quiet and utterly foreign to me? If this is God's or my brain's idea of a good thing to help me cope -- they are sorely mistaken. Things were hard enough when I had my balance, now to have the balance taken away -- it is too much. Without be able to write I said I would die. This is worse than even I can imagine. I welcome the return of the voices that have surrounded me my whole life. Because then I might be able to cope better.
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| One Day At A Time |
| 09.15.05 (7:05 pm) [edit] |
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It is technically the 16th here, granted very early in the morning, but it is the 16th nonetheless. That means it's been 14 days since I buried my father and 20 days since my dad died. Well 19 and a handful of hours.
My brother and I have a house that my DD and I get to move into where the school system is one of the best in the county as opposed to one of the worse and I have a considerable inheritance coming. And last night when I got home from school after fullfilling yet more committments, I could care less! At that moment the world could have blown up and I would've said "oh, look at the pretty colors". Because, between school, my family, dealing with my dad's financee and her brats, insurance, and fending off my mom, I'm under so much stress. And I realized even I have a limit to what I can handle. Which was scary enough to me, but to realize it and know that I'm at the end of my rope and there isn't any more and I still have to find a way to climb up it and bring my DD back with me, is da*n horriffying.
I miss my dad's voice, and his laugh. I miss being able to talk to him whenever I want. I had to go to the post office today and was going to call him and go up and see him only to realize he isn't there and will never be there again. And it sucks.
Holidays will come and go. Dreams will be fullfilled and success found. The seasons continue to change, and the world moves on, because it must. It stops for no one. I know this to be true. But today, it can move on and it can spin into obilivion because, I will never be able to share my success or my DD success with my dad and all of the money in the universe can't replace that. The pain is unbelievable, nearly unbearable, even with God's help. And when it hits, it's overpowering. One day at a time will come months and years from now. For now, all I have is one hour at a time. And as strong as I am, and I know myself to be. I can admit I've fallen, and I can't walk alone this time. It isn't possible.
I buried my dad. The flag he proudly served draped his coffin. The gun salute was payed by fellow submariners and they gave me his flag. I watched them lower him into the vault where the top was placed on it. Engraved with his name and the year, and I wanted to toss flowers in, but was to shocked to move from the chair I was sitting in. And this weekend, when I go to the cemetary the headstone with the submarine and Navel isignias will be there with the VA plaque on the back, and it will be sitting next to my brother's and I will cry and then I will stop and return to my DD and help her through this while fullfilling still more committments, because the world doesn't stop and it doesn't understand one day at a time, let alone, one hour at a time.
My wish for you, is that you never know this pain. Because no matter how much you fight with your parents, when they are gone, you will remember the good times and it is those times that you will mourn, regardless of the number.
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| My Dad -- |
| 09.03.05 (5:24 pm) [edit] |
This is the speech I made at my dad's funeral...
"Honor...I have heard that word used many times in conjunction with my dad... Until yesterday I wasn't sure if I was going to say anything, let alone what I was going to say. There is a poem that talks about fathers and how much they know. When you're 4, they know everything. When you're 17, they are clueless, completely clueless. And when you're 31, you realize that they actually know a few things. The poem doesn't say anything about differences. It doesn't say anything about similarities.
In the past few days we've looked at pictures, cleaned out offices, and rode buses. In my dad's office, I was confronted not only with his mulitude of pictures of his kids and grandkids, but also wiht his horde of office supplies. When I went home that night, I was confronted with my own horde of office supplies and I laughed.
When I look back, I will remember not the differences, but the similarities -- His love of reading, of history, an eclectic taste in music that occassionally overlapped mine. His unwaing patriotism and belief in freedom. His love of family, of where we came from, of cooking and baking. We shared quiet talks on cold winter mornings on the bus as he went to work and I went to school. And in the afternoons when I stopped by to see him at the post office after getting my mail.
He told me once to follow my dreams. And just as he was proud of Steve when he
became a Marine and later graduated from college, he was proud of me for serving in the Air Force, returning to school, and becoming an author and screenwriter. He loved his grandkids and was proud of their accomplishments. If he could, he never missed one of Serra's meets, rectials, or school programs.
My dad was a submariner aboard the USS Lewis and Clark, but he was also a Civil War Historian, baker, and cook who talked of opening his own restaurant -- The Alamode -- an ice cream and pie shop.
He was a kind man with a gentle soul and loving heart. And today, he walks between his son, Jason and his Lord, Jesus and he is happy and he will never leave us."
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| Imagine Everything in Black |
| 08.29.05 (7:40 pm) [edit] |
Imagine everything drapped in black, because TBLOG won't let me change my header.
My dad died Sunday. We met with the Funeral Home today. The Funeral is Friday morning and visitation is just about all day Thursday, which is not something I wanted to do.
I had to tell my daughter that her grandpa "poppy" had died. She cried and got quiet and understood all too well what it meant. I am shocked by that. She shouldn't really get it that well. Which is better than my nephew who is a year older than she is. :/
I managed to piss my dad's fiancee off. Yeah. She insisted that she, her kids, and her parents and her family were mentioned in the obituary. -- Which I admit, I did. But then, I added my mom's name too. Because frankly, I didn't want Barb in there in the first place. She wasn't his wife, she doesn't deserve marital privillages. Financial reasona -- i.e. she bilcked gov't... aren't good enough. And when you profess to believe in the Christian God so much that you basically condemn those who don't believe as stringently as you do, and demand that others trust God as completely as you do, but then you decide on your own that He will never take care of you --physically, spiritually, or financially, I'm sorry, that makes you a bloody hypocrit. And again, not worthy of marital privilliges. You can't live with someone, but refuse to be legally married to them and still demand to be recognized as a spouse. And Christians wonder why non-CHristians can't stand them. Ugh. It is rarely because of their beliefs but because of what is shown. Because actions always speak louder than words. And that may offend people, but tough. She thinks that the state should recognize common-law spouses (something this state doesn't do) but says that a Justice of the Peace Wedding isn't a wedding in the eyes of God. Okay, so what is living together and Common-law? She wants her church to do this and her church to do that, and is upset when they no longer jump to her demands, because she hasn't actually gone to church in about 6 or 7 years and is involved only on an external level.
She wants pictures, the originals mind you, of my brother Jason, who died in 1981 when he was 5. I don't think so. She says its because he was part of my dad. Well yeah, but then she can have copies. The originals need to go to my mom. All of them. Not to Barb. THey weren't married, they didn't have anything together. Everything was split into his and hers. With him paying for everything and her spending it on frivolous stuff and allowing her kids to sponge off her, my dad, the gov't. I mean, really food stamps for a 26 year old because she refused to get a better job, because working one day a week at a pet store was better than actually making a living.
She wants to live in my dad's house rent free and not responsible for anything. Hehehe. Fat chance. IF, and that is a big IF, she does, there needs to be rent plus utilities and repairs. And to bad if she doesn't like it.
Well, this has turned into a rant, but again, oh well, it's my blog.
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| Update |
| 08.12.05 (6:23 pm) [edit] |
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I got a call that my dad was in a coma and not expected to recover, only to find out that he wasn't in a coma he was dying. Not expected to make it until morning. After days of waiting at the hospital, jumping, and most of which are buried in a blurry foggy haze of shock and tears. My brother and I decided we really needed to come home. Our children were happy to see us. Two days later we were back at the Hospital.
Basically, so far his kidneys and liver have shut down. He is on constent dialysis. He is also on a resperator that only went down lower than 100% Oxygen a couple of days ago, and that now battles between 40% and 70%. He is also on anywhere from 2 to 4 blood pressure meds -- not keeping them lower but high enough for his body to function -- sort of. He is sedated and can't be brought out because if he does, the blood pressure and oxygen levels go to sh*t. And if they keep him sedated Neurology can't come and see if there is brain damage. When he is off the sedetives it takes about 4 or 5 days to wake up instead of a few hours. His condition varies from bad to worse back to bad again every hour or half hour.
My professors are letting me take my tests and turn in work late, so I can go between my house and family here and the three hours it takes to get to get to the hospital were my dad is in ICU. Then there are all of the legal issues -- I'm the oldest and therefore legally responsible for everything, since my dad never married my stepmom -- oh goodie.
She (the stepmom) is grasping at straws and sugar-coating everything and making things seem better than they actually are. SHe even had the gall to tell my grandma that she had always wanted to marry my dad but they could never find the right time. He wanted a church wedding and she wanted this or that thing first and then there is the I was waiting until he got better. Hello -- he was too sick to be on the heart transplant list for a while, that's a pretty good indication that he's probably not going to get much better. Ugh.
On the good side -- I know how the RME/RH books start and who will play a larger role in it. I also finished Liberty and Justice. Whoo Yoo.
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| Blog -- Temporarily Closed |
| 08.07.05 (7:32 pm) [edit] |
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On the 3rd of Aug. I was told my dad was dying and I needed to get to Ann Arbor now. He made it that night, but it is touch and go and basically -- he's still dying. And I get to make the tough decisions. So, until I'm back to a reletively normal routine - this blog is taking a nap.
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| Another Passing Thought |
| 08.03.05 (9:01 am) [edit] |
A friend of mine wants children and thinks it will be nearly impossible. She is destined to be a mom. Probably a boy. I am both happy and sad. But that is my problem.
This too shall pass.
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| Now How is this Not the Same Thing |
| 07.19.05 (10:22 am) [edit] |
(controversial topic)
While my personal feelings on abortion are my own and will stay where they are, I'm a little confused. This is not directed at any one person, but a question in general.
If a person believes that abortion is murder because the unborn fetus is a life and all life is precious and sacred. How does blowing up clinics with people in them and other populated places that kill alot of children and adults not murder? I don't get it. Am I to believe that the life an unborn child is worth more than one already living? How do you just using murder to stop what you consider murder?
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| London |
| 07.07.05 (6:42 pm) [edit] |
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Tears, prayers, hugs, and positive thoughts for everyone in the UK.
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| Elven Goals |
| 07.07.05 (6:37 pm) [edit] |
Sometimes goals have to be pushed aside because reality doesn’t catch up with them. Lots of vacations with DD are out of the question this year. But I’m holding onto them for next year. This was a hairy month. I did a lot of stitching and writing. But the stitching was done almost exclusively on Liberty and Justice by Oberlin Samplers. I did do some stitching on The Storyteller and I borrowed my brother’s digital camera and took pictures of all my works in progress so that I could update my album. School in the spring-summer semester is hairy. I have a teacher now who really shouldn’t have contact with people and believes strongly in busy work. Really, I’m old enough. I don’t need busy work. My brother and his wife are expecting their 4th child in February – they are both hoping for a boy. I’m enjoying working on the quilts, though I’m nervous about how my dad’s quilt will turn out. And exactly how I’m going to quilt it. I’ve tied all the others I’ve done so far, so I don’t know if I can hand quilt it or even machine quilt it. Don’t know until I try.
1. Lose 100-110 lbs. – I am starting to workout again, but it’s aerobic only, because they moved the nautilus equipment. We took a two-week break because the temperatures combined with humidity made afternoon workouts no longer doable. This is something I really need to concentrate on now.
2. Finish EK – Chapter 11. Again. Still. Characters and their darned independent views!!!
3. Finish DR – set this aside to concentrate on EK Hopefully I’ll have it finished by December though.
4. Find an agent - Four rejection letters so far.
5. Sell a mss – I’m still working on it. I’ve got more rejection letters under my belt. Different sizes. I’m going to scrapbook them. It’ll make me happy.
6. Start Gateway – I’ve got a good idea of what will happen. But there is this Rogue Hero who started talking and being kind of a pain. Impatient male! The lines of royalty and nobility are coming around too.
7. Start/finish W. Quilt #1 --- Nope, haven’t gotten any further one it.
8. Start & finish W. Announcement #1 – Nope, haven’t gotten any further one it..
9. Start & finish W. Announcement #2 – Nope, haven’t gotten any further one it.
10. Start & finish W. Announcement #3– Nope, haven’t gotten any further one it.
11. Finish TW's Storyteller – I’ve gotten further on it. I hope to get a couple of pics up soon.
12. Finish scrap Split Rail Fence quilt for mom. – Fabric found. Have to finish cutting out scraps.
13. Finish Dutchman's Puzzle quilt for dad. – I’ve cut all of the blues that I have and have started on the white. I still need to get the solid blue for the sashing. And the Navel fabric for the backing.
14. Finish my Dragon quilt. – Didn’t touch it all month.
15. Complete cross-stitch gift for DD teacher. (She picked out a design with the teachers name on it and the words "teaching is like touching the future") - it'll be an end of the year gift. -- –This didn’t get done. She isn’t DD new teacher, but hopefully this summer I can finish and DD can give it to her in the fall. Or I’ll make it for her new teacher, since I haven’t started it anyway.
16. Finish DD Birth announcement – Didn’t touch it. Worked on Liberty and Justice instead.
17. Finish DNiece #1 Birth announcement - Didn’t touch it. Worked on Liberty and Justice instead.
18. Finish DNiece #2 Birth announcement - Didn’t touch it. Worked on Liberty and Justice instead.
19. Decide if DSis will get 1 birth announcement for all of her kids or 1 for each. (Not sure of her reception to homemade things.) – I still don’t know. I need to take a look at a few more birth annoucements and see what I like.
20. Design and make costume for ball in 2006 – I still can’t decide on a color, but I want to wait until January before I start sewing because I’d like to loose weight first.
21. Design and make 2 Halloween costumes for 2005 – I still haven’t thought about it. DD is in the stage where she wants everything.
22. Send out four proposals to either editors or agents. – Happy Dance. All done. Chocolate to follow because I was rejected by all four. I’ll submit to an editor as soon as EK is done and hopefully DR will be done by then too.
23. Finish "The Lord's Prayer" (3/4 way done) -- Pattern, floss, and project have been found and are now sleeping in my bag so I can take it where ever I go, although this month I concentrated on Liberty and Justice by Oberlin Samplers.
24. Get the cross done on TW's Celtic Cross. -- Haven’t touched it in several months. It’ll probably be a fall project.
25. Pick out background fabric for Stretch, Futurecast, and Tempest. -- Not yet.
26. Clean, organize, and declutter my bedroom – In work. Still.
27. Clean, organize, and declutter the utility room -- In work. Still.
28. Clean, organize, and declutter the garage -- In work. Still. Maybe next spring?
29. Blog more – I’m reading more and blogging more. I figure every other day or once or twice a week are good for now. Which is about what I time for. I’m trying to comment more on the blogs that I read.
30. Write Daily – I’m up to writing weekly. Didn’t make my goal to get EK done by tomorrow though. Maybe by August. I can write an entire chapter in one day if I push myself and do nothing else all day. Which with my schedule, doesn’t happen very often.
31. Participate in NANOWRIMO – I will do this. I will also do a personal challenge in August.
32. Stay on top of schoolwork – So far, so good.
33. Dean's list/4.0 this semester – Very much a possibility this summer. Yeah!!!!!!!!
34. Rejoin FF&P – Not yet. There are money issues here.
35. Enter FF&P OOTW contest – Will in do in September
36. Enter RWA's Golden Heart – This isn’t until November, but will then, unless I sell first.
37. Read the Bible -- Not nearly as much as I should.
38. Stay on top of my finances – Really I think this should be a life long goal. I think I’ll be constantly working on this one.
39. Get a head start on Christmas sewing and shopping – I’m about half done.
40. Read two books a month from my reading list (one has to be a classic) -- Aside from text books, I’m reading First SEAL by Roy Boehm and Charles Sasser. And the new Dark Hunter book from Sherrilyn Kenyon – Sins of the Night.
41. Give up pop. – I don’t know that this will happen. But it would be nice if I could.
42. Binder Park Zoo w/ DD and DBro and his family – I think we are going in the next few weeks.
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| Thoughts on Boys (and Girls) |
| 06.28.05 (4:47 pm) [edit] |
I read a blog entry today that had my blood boiling. Apparently, according to the author, all boys are crude, greedy, and prone to violence. And when riddled with testosterone during puberty and emotions are in flux bad, will punch holes in the walls. Oh and will break things to get out of chores. But girls are perfect even though they talk all the time. And basically the only savable men are those raised in households where they are the only males (one male per family is prefferable).
I suppose someone should have told my brothers that. Or my nephews. SHoot, they should have told my mother who as a grandmother of teenagers doesn't allow backtalk let alone punching holes in the walls, that because they are boys they are suppose to be mean. I have a brother who is a father and a marine, who is perfectly capable of punching holes in walls and has been since he was a teen. I mean really he stands 6'3". Yet, he never raised his voice to my mom nor to my dad or stepdad. He is so greedy that he takes my DD out with his own kids and treats her like his own. The men I know are so greedy they will give their friends and families the shirts of their backs if it was needed. These same men are so mean and crude that they treat every woman like a woman should be treated and their wives, girlfriends, or significant others like a queen. Boys and men are so lazy that their honey-do lists are never ending and they do that on top of working and playing with their kids and taking care of their families and only occassionaly sit down and relax. And we won't even go into the sacrifices alot of men make in order to serve their country.
But girls, girls are perfect. They never kick or hit or scream bloody murder. THey never tease and pick. GIrls and women never pick another woman/girl apart based on her appearance alone. They never judge other people. They never look at another woman's child and go "oh, you poor dear -- your child isn't as perfect as mine". Nope no woman does that. A house full of girls never claims that their misbehavior is caused by PMS until men are left wondering if at any time during the year, a day is free of PMS. Girls never claim that they only have to be pretty, because only ugly girls are smart. And smart girls never get anywhere. Oh no, they don't do that either. And they never instigate teasing or torment of anyone. They never fake emotions. They never lie, cheat or steal. Nope women are perfect. They never try to get out of chores by lieing, blaming someone else, or breaking things. They never throw objects across the room and shatter it against the far wall. Nope, they never do that either.
All girls are dainty, and prim and proper. They don't run around in shorts, out race the boys, climb trees, play baseball or basketball. Love to swim or wrestle. All girls are dancers or gymnasts. But dancing is the more feminine of them and therefore more preferable. Wow, I wish someone would tell my DD that she's suppose to wear dresses, walk quietly dressed like a doll with jewelry, and that she should want to dance ballet instead of climb trees, swim, wrestle, ride bikes, scooter, or roller blades. And she should want pierced ears because she's a girl not because everyone else has them. And while they are at it, they need to tell her she's got too much energy to be a girl. And is too smart too. Because afterall only the pretty one is perfect. Pretty being petit, blond, and dainty. Not muscular with wild red curls.
My butt. Children are the product of their parents and how their parents treat them. If you treat a girl like a queen who will become a spoiled brat, don't expect her brothers (or sisters who weren't treated equal) to bow down to her and love her or you for treating them like something icky off from last years left over spaghetti. And don't be surprised if every spouse that they end up with leaves them. Selfish people aren't lovable. Kids can be cruel - regardless of gender, but they learn that from the examples set by their parents. If one is child is always the best, then why should any of the others try, because they'll never be good enough anyway. Take responsibility for your actions. Children are smart, they never do as you say. They do as you do.
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| A Blast From the Past |
| 06.28.05 (12:33 pm) [edit] |
I was doing dishes earlier when I heard from the living room "The pilgrims sail the sea --" I walked in to find DD watching Schoolhouse Rock -- America Rock. She'd come across the schoolhouse videos that a friend of mine had given her. So, we watched the four videos we have and learned about America, Math, Grammer, and Science. Talk about a blast from the past. They used to play these on TV during Saturday Morning Cartoons and after school.
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| Choices |
| 06.27.05 (8:09 pm) [edit] |
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Do we really have choices? Of everything? Ore just somethings? Do we even seen the other choices that might appear to us? Or do we out of fear, forget that we can make up our own minds and choose the path of least resistance? The one steeped in unquestioning tradition. The one most likely chosen by our parents, grandparents, and great grandparents.
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